Author: Ben

Nothing like getting a top expert to forewarn us about the latest dangers to unwary tourists on the sunny streets of Spain. So, without further ado, our Top 5 series continues with an appearance by a famous Barcelona detective. Ladies and gentlemen, in his own unique voice, I give you Larry Kovaks, P.I.:

“These rainy days. Strange for August. But that’s the way mother nature intended it for this old mudball and you better goddamn well accept it. Means the guiri crime wave is ebbing, so there isn’t much work for me. Good thing they asked me to do this top 5 thing.

But the idea of a top 5 scam report irks me. What exactly does top 5 mean? The top 5 most successful scams? The top 5 best scams? The top 5 five most ingenious scams?

The virulent underbelly of guiri scamming is truly a menace to this society. I couldn’t, in all due consideration to the respectable author of this blog, say that there is a top 5 of any scam. A scammer, a gypmeister, a short conner, what have you, has one m.o. And that is to pull the deed and not get caught. Therefore, by any means necessary and he or she is happy as, well, a sauced-up guiri in Lloret.

Considering the nature of my work, and the highly compromising situation I would put myself in if I were to reveal my perceptive insights into crimes I am going to solve, I will limit this list to the 5 most nefarious and dastardly scams I have confronted yet. Gypmeisters should not take this as sloth on my part. I am hard at work on the next cases.

1. The Drop Cigarette Con
My first face-off with vice in this dissolute burg started with this one. I was subjected to perhaps the most common form of gypmeisting. In Barcelona, at least. What these fellows do is block you in a confined space (usually an escalator, or a narrow staircase). They do this by dropping a cigarette or other meaningless personal item, and impeding your exit while they "try” to retrieve it. An accomplice of theirs sneaks up behind you and bumps you. As they bump you, they snake their gypmeisting fingers into your pockets and steal your wallet. They got me one time …

2. The Bouncing Cartoon Con
Some of the dirtiest rat bxxxxxxs to have scurried across these piss-laden streets. What they do is sell these cute little bouncing cartoon cutouts. Often they are Simpson’s characters, but they just as well may be Mickey or even Minnie Mouse. A goddamn shame. What they do is put seductive pop music on and "make” the cartoon cutouts dance. Foolish associates have ventured the notion that the bouncing cartoons are actually powered by magnet fields. No such thing. It’s much more sinister than that. There’s a little motor behind that stolen boombox. And much more …

3. The Soccer Trick Con
With world cup fever on the wane, this might not be a "top 5” scam. But it is definitely a scam. And a dirty one at that. What these fellows do is throw on some knock-off Barí§a gear and dribble a soccer ball around. Only in the most touristy spots. I encountered them on the Ramblas a few weeks ago. They dribble up to you, do a fancy trick, and … well, even vigilant eyes like mine can’t spot gypmeisters like these. They beguile you with their "elastico” moves. And before you know it, your vacay plans go blooey.

4. Crap On Clothes Con
This is a fairly old con. There are several variants, but one of the most common goes like this: The gypmeister hides behinds trees or bushes or what have you and he or she squirts a foreign substance onto your clothes. They say something is on your clothes and offer to clean it off. BEWARE! This moment is key. What they are about to do is relieve you of your hard-earned euros.

5. American Tourist Con
As shocking as it might sound, there are gypmeisters who, con mucho morro, don tourist disguises in order to rip off tourists. I encountered these fellows on the Ramblas, of course. The Ramblas is a veritable paradise for gypmeisters of all races, creeds, and filthy intentions. They are in cahoots with other scammers and gather around them in order to attract real tourists. Real tourists are innocently lead into their tempting world of gypmeisting (in my case it was the classic "hide the pea con”).

In this world you can’t judge by appearances. Just remember that.

I would like to thank Ben for the opportunity of sharing this invaluable knowledge with potential tourists of Spain. Please, watch out. If you ever see any suspicious behavior, don’t hesitate to contact me: kovakspi@gmail.com.

Goddamn palookas. Poltroons. ‘Bout time someone took them to the cleaners.”

As part of our on-going Top 5 series, Ryan from Catavino has come up with the greatest travel adventures to be had in the world of Spanish and Portuguese wine:

1. Sanlucar de Barremeda
A small and indiscriminately located town in Andalusia, it is the home of Manzanilla sherry and a place I fell in love with last summer. As a result of my passion for sherry, Manzanilla being one of my favorites, the trek to Sanlucar was more like a pilgrimage than a vacation. Sitting at a beachside bar watching the sunset with a cold glass of Manzanilla sherry, I literally thought I had died and gone to heaven. Couple that experience with a tour of one of the oldest Manzanilla sherry houses, where I sipped 150yr old PX out of a barrel, and I would have to say this is a “don’t miss” for any wine lover.

2. Priorat and Montsant
Located just inland from the Roman town of Tarragona, this is one of the most exciting new wine regions in Spain. However, because Priorat wine is currently priced well beyond anyone’s wine budget, you might find yourself exploring other regions for economic reasons. Fortunately, there is another option. The region of Montsant literally circles Priorat, offering fantastic wine for great value. Rugged terrain with steep hills, poor soil and rich history, this region is a fun place not only to visit, but when stopping in the region’s default capital of Falstet, it is a great place to pick up some wine! Because production levels are so low, however, it may require you to book a ticket and plan a trip to taste many of the exquisite wines from this region, which in the grand scheme isn’t such a terrible thought to ponder.

3. La Rioja
How can I not mention Rioja? You have Longroño with narrow streets and winding roads where some of the regions greatest culinary treasures can be tasted – think stuffed mushrooms, white asparagus, and chorizo and potato stew, but you also have wine galore. Although for me, I would rather spend my time in Haro, a quaint town that is not only full of great restaurants that serve traditional roasted lamb, but also holds the greatest wine museum created by the winery Dinastí­a Vivanco. I’ve been to a lot of wine museums in my travels and to be honest, the majority of them bore me. What makes this wine museum different is that they take you through the entire wine making process from beginning to end, while giving you a unique and interesting perspective on the process of making wine. This is not to be missed by any wine lover who has a chance to wander over there.

4. Toro
Granted, you could probably visit this small Castilla y León town in a day, but it will be a day well spent. In truth, although the Bodegas are growing rapidly, they are relatively uneventful to visit and the region as a whole is a bit barren. On the other hand, this area is dripping in history, having sent some of its Toro wines with Columbus as he went off to re-discover the new world. Additionally, the town is nestled inside ancient stone walls where a castle and a quaint little square house several small bars offering just about every wine produced in the region. You can wander all night trying different tapas and tasting the rich ink like wines from this region, while feeling history vibrate through your soul. Plus, not a stone throw’s away, you have the incredible white wine region of Ruéda with its cornerstone grape Verdejo. The best part is the fact that you are only two and a half hours from Madrid, allowing you to not only visit the city famous for its night life and architecture, but also taste wines from one of the most famous regions in Spain!

5. Oporto
Located in Portugal, this city has so much history and significance to the world of wine it would be a shame to miss it. Influencing such wines as Ribera del Duero and Toro in Spain, and Port in the Douro valley of Portugal, Oporto is wedged in the valley of the Douro River as it makes its exit out to the Atlantic. Steep slopes with colorful houses and historic buildings, Oporto even lays claim to one of Gustav Eiffel’s architectural achievements – a giant two level bridge that is the focal point for visitors to this town. Take a day to eat octopus at a small restaurant on the bank of the Douro and then wander across to the other side of the river and take a tour of the world’s most famous and historically significant Port houses where you can sample their wines. This year is the 250th anniversary of the region’s wine demarcation as the oldest regulated wine region in the world. If you visit Iberia, don’t forget this town!